Today is the third class in our current four class set. We will begin class with a casual conversation. We will talk more about commas today. Our reading this week is about hospital ships and island life. Please highlight any vocabulary questions or phrases that are unfamiliar. Our listening is a This American Life story with a transcript. The listening is longer, so try and finish as much as you can. Please listen and follow the transcript. We will finish class with a review of our grammar unit.
Click HERE for the reading
Act One, "10 Things I Require About You." So we're going to start off the show today with someone who is very much in the math camp, and who finds herself challenged by someone who could not disagree more. The math person-- her name is Zarna Garg. Her story starts when she was in her 20s. She was single, living in Cleveland, and the fact that she was single totally bothered her. This was in the late '90s, by the way.
Zarna Garg
You know, those years were the peak years of the TV show, Friends. Do you remember that show?
Tobin Low
Of course.
Zarna Garg
That show was the scariest show to me.
Tobin Low
Wait, why?
Zarna Garg
Because no one was ever getting married. They were dating, they were not dating, they were dating, they were on a break, they were off the break, then they were dating other people within the same friend group. Like, to somebody like me, who came from the world that I came from, that was a horror show.
Tobin Low
Zarna moved to the US on her own when she was 16, leaving behind her family in India and a likely arranged marriage. She wanted to be independent and to go to college. She got into law school in Cleveland, so she was very much on track.
But at the same time, she still had this idea in her head that marriage provided a solidness. It was something she wanted deeply. So she found an online dating site for Indian singles, and decided to post an ad for herself. Posting an ad to find a husband-- not so unique in the world Zarna's from. But what was unique was the fact that she was posting for herself.
The other ads were from aunts or moms trying to arrange matches for their daughters and nieces. Not Zarna. She was taking the reins. And her ad was, to put it lightly, specific. What she wrote was not a singles ad, so much as a list of qualifications. It was like a series of bullet points. She remembers it like this.
Zarna Garg
You have to be very serious. You have to have proof of your seriousness. I want to see what you do. I even would like to see some tax returns, and you know, what job prospects you have. I mean, it was nuts;
Tobin Low
She also said, you have to be brilliant. That was a big one because--
Zarna Garg
I figured, if I met somebody brilliant, life would be fine. And whatever problems would happen, we would work them out together, because he would be brilliant enough to figure that out.
[LAUGHTER]
Tobin Low
So brilliant, like booksmart?
Zarna Garg
Oh, so I was very specific about that. I was like, I need to see proof of your brilliance.
[LAUGHTER]
You know, I need to see where you went to college or whatever you're doing with your life. Oh, and also, I was like, you must have a good mother, because I don't have a mother, and this is my one chance to fix that.
Tobin Low
She also figured they should have accurate data about her. She said, I'm a student, I'm short, only 5 feet tall. I'm not the skinniest person.
Zarna Garg
I do think that my ad, as obnoxious as it was, had an element of honesty to it. An Indian ad would have been, fair and lovely, peaches-and-cream complexion, tall, skinny. I never used any of those words, because none of those words would have been true for me.
Tobin Low
You know, there might be somebody who hears your story and thinks, wow, that is kind of a ruthlessly practical way to go about finding a partner and finding love.
Zarna Garg
But they're right. They're right. It is a ruthlessly practical way, and it should be, because marriage is a contract. And like all contracts, you should think twice before getting into it. I don't believe that just falling blindly in love is the answer.
Tobin Low
Apparently, there were a lot of people who felt they met the criteria. Her inbox became flooded with messages, all from men who wanted to meet in person. Zarna picked a few of them, said sure, let's meet, but you have to come to Cleveland. And a surprising number said yes.
Zarna Garg
Men flew from all over different parts of America to come meet me in Cleveland. And I was actually pretty clinical about it, and as were they, mostly, once they realized what the vibe was. We met at a McDonald's in Cleveland that had, like, open windows. So it felt safe.
And they were all highly educated doctors, lawyers, entrepreneurs. And for one reason or another, it wasn't working out. They liked me, I didn't like them, or whatever. Or I liked them, they didn't like me.
Tobin Low
What did she care? She had an inbox of hundreds of messages from other suitors who are just as qualified for the position of husband. What's that saying? I think it comes from Shakespeare, or maybe The Canterbury Tales. Thank you. Next.
It's in the middle of all these messages that she gets a different kind of message. And this person does not offer up his credentials or his tax returns. He simply writes--
Zarna Garg
This isn't a real ad. Is it? Are you a real person?
Tobin Low
The message goes on to make fun of her. It feels like a troll. And if this were a movie, the camera would zoom out of Zarna's window at her house in Cleveland. Maybe we would see a crude animation of a globe rotating on its axis. A dotted line moving from the US, going first to Europe, then zeroing in on Switzerland-- until the camera would zoom in on an office building in Zurich.
Because that's where the message came from-- a computer programmer working late one night at his office. His job was fixing a Y2K bug for his company. I know. So '90s. His name was Shalabh. He was single. And when he found Zarna's ad while randomly surfing the internet, he thought it was ridiculous. He called over his colleagues, and said, hey, get a load of this girl.
Shalabh
I mean, it was three of us that looked at it, because I called my friends in, and we were just making fun of it. We were like, I don't know who this girl is.
Tobin Low
What were the elements of it that you were making fun of in the ad?
Shalabh
I mean, the seriousness-- a girl who is this much work even before she has met someone, can you imagine what she would be like into a serious relationship? It's like, start to finish, work, work, work, and no fun.
Tobin Low
Cut back to Cleveland, small house in the suburbs. Zarna types back, "Yeah, I'm real." He replies--
Shalabh
You know, what makes you think that you'll find someone? I doubt anybody would take on that amount of seriousness at such a young age, because there's almost no fun in your classified.
Zarna Garg
I was like, yeah, and I'm actually on a mission to do something. What are you guys doing?
Shalabh
She was like, I don't know who is the bigger loser--
[LAUGHTER]
--someone who is seriously seeking out a life partner, like myself, or someone who is just sitting in a random room, programming and surfing young women on the internet.
Zarna Garg
He's like, so have you gotten any responses? I was like, as a matter of fact, many, many responses. You want to see some? And I forwarded him a whole bunch of ads, responses that I had.
And he was like, I can't believe this. And I said, why are you wasting my time? I was then getting irritated, because my ad clearly said, only contact me if you want to get married.
Tobin Low
Shalabh was not interested in getting married. His life was filled with travel and friends and skiing. Also, he lived an ocean away. He was not the solution to Zarna's problem. But they kept emailing. It was mostly them giving each other a hard time. This went on for weeks.
Zarna Garg
Then, he would then be like, hey, did you end up meeting that guy-- you know, the one you forwarded me? And I would be like, yeah, I met him, but I don't think it's going to work, and whatever. So we became friends, even despite my every intention to not make friends.
Tobin Low
Oh, so he was a little bit keeping tabs on your progress, too, then.
Zarna Garg
He was. I don't know why he was so curious, but he was.
Tobin Low
Oh, Zarna, I think we all know why he was so curious.
After so much back-and-forth, Shalabh had this feeling like, at this point, I can't not meet this girl.
Zarna Garg
Well, he said he really wanted to meet me. And I told him that I was moving to New York for my first job, and because I thought I would have a higher likelihood of meeting an Indian guy in New York than in Cleveland. And he was like, I really want to meet you. And I said, OK, I can meet you at the airport.
Tobin Low
Zarna says this is when I'm landing in New York from Cleveland. Shalabh says he can get a flight that arrives around the same time. Zarna says, OK, but I'm only willing to say a quick hi at the airport. She did not want to waste time on friend dates.
Zarna Garg
Because, as I said, I was mission-driven. The minute I reached New York, I had-- 2 o'clock, I was meeting this guy. 4 o'clock, I was meeting that guy. So there wasn't going to be a lot of time. And why was I meeting this guy from Switzerland anyway? Because there was no real interest there in that way. And he said, fine, I'll come to New York and we'll meet at the airport. It's fine. He said, I just need to see that you're real.
Tobin Low
They found each other at the airport. Zarna remembers thinking he was cute, but also, he immediately annoyed her.
Zarna Garg
He informed me at the airport that he had nowhere to go while in America. So now I'm like, now, you're stuck with me? I don't have a place to take you I barely had a tiny apartment for myself. And he's like, but I don't know. I'm here with my toothbrush and my passport. I have nowhere to go.
Tobin Low
Zarna says, fine, you can stay with me. She had made arrangements to stay at her cousin's apartment. He could crash. And then, in the cab on the way there, something about the anticipation of meeting face to face and then finally, seeing each other, something happened.
Shalabh
When we met, from that point on, all the way to the apartment we couldn't keep our hands off of each other. It was really passionate.
Tobin Low
They kissed. There was a spark. But they also both agreed there was nowhere for a relationship to go. Zarna was not going to let him get in the way. She kept her scheduled dates for that day. There were two of them. She dropped Shalabh off at the apartment and said, stay here, do not move, I have a husband to go meet.
And just like her routine in Cleveland, she arranged for them to meet in public places. First, in the lobby of the building she was staying at, then on to a coffee shop. What she had not planned on was that Shalabh would not stay at home like he promised. Instead, he crashed both of her dates, would just conveniently show up in the lobby or at the coffee shop.
Zarna Garg
He would just be like, hi, I'm Shalabh, with no explanation. That made it even more suspicious.
Tobin Low
Oh, he introduced himself to your dates.
Zarna Garg
Yeah. And my dates were like, is this your brother? I'm like, no. But it was hard to explain to them what exactly was the relationship. So I would be like, no, no, he's just a friend. He's visiting. But, clearly, it looked odd.
Tobin Low
Was your intent, you think, to throw off the date a little bit?
Shalabh
As little bit to throw off the date, but remember, I was early 20s. Even though I had not much to show for it, I was fairly arrogant myself. Because at least in my mind, I was one of the top colleges in India, I was doing a job in Zurich, making good money. So I was certainly not insecure. If anything, on the other side of it, in terms of being more arrogant.
Tobin Low
I see. But there was an energy of, like, let me see who this guy is.
Shalabh
Yeah, let me see who this guy is, and what is so special about a doctor guy.
Tobin Low
Zarna could have been annoyed by all this. But she found, somehow, she wasn't.
Zarna Garg
By then, I had a friendship enough with him that even when I was on a date I was thinking about him. Like, I wonder what he's doing. So my brain was already all over the place about what exactly are we doing here.
Tobin Low
Zarna ended up spending a couple of days with Shalabh. They walked around the city, talked about their lives, debated about politics and how they felt about America, shared how they both grew up in India, how they had both left home.
Zarna Garg
He had his own loneliness. He had his own really difficult journey. He is an ambitious guy. I think something about my ad and my world made him feel like, oh, my god, this sounds like my world. You know? And something about dealing with him made me feel like he's not so dissimilar from me and how I think.
Tobin Low
They both remember a turning point in that first visit, which brings us to the classic part of stories like this-- when it starts to rain.
Shalabh
Titanic had just come out. I remember we went for that movie in the rain. She used to love getting wet in light rain, but refused to carry an umbrella. You know how New York rain is, right? It was pouring rain.
And we'd just finish a 3-and-1/2-hour-long movie, where Jack was dead and Rose was going to go on with her life. And I'm like, that was probably the moment. And I'm thinking to myself, that is how fickle life can be, and do I really want to not have this woman in my life? Probably, that would be the one moment when I thought that this might be the woman for me.
Zarna Garg
And then, of course as everything we do ends up in a fight, we fought about it, too. Because there was space on that raft. He could have been saved. So then we started fighting about that and whether she should have thrown the necklace into the water or not.
Tobin Low
It sounds like you kind of even enjoyed disagreeing with him.
Zarna Garg
Oh, my god. To this day, my favorite thing to do is to fight with my husband.
Tobin Low
If you haven't caught on by now, I suppose that's a spoiler. Within a couple of months of that visit, Shalabh bought Zarna an emerald-green ring. They were married a little over a year after he sent her the message that made her so mad. They've been together now for 24 years.
Zarna Garg
If I can do anything, I want to go on a long walk and have a robust fight with him about everything-- about the politics, the movies-- yes, of course. Absolutely.
Tobin Low
Yeah. What is it about the fighting that you enjoy?
Zarna Garg
He's really brilliant. That's the one thing I got right.
Tobin Low
Zarna admits that, yes, some magic snuck into her life. But she sees this whole story largely as a victory for math. She wrote down exactly what she wanted, and she got it. Shalabh actually does match a bunch of the things on the list. For example, he has a good mother, and Zarna really loves her.
Shalabh, though-- sees the story totally differently. He thinks the fact that they met through this bizarre set of circumstances, it's an argument for magic. Which is funny, I'm used to couples disagreeing about why they broke up-- who said what, and who's to blame. But I've never known a couple who disagrees about the thing that brought them together.
And this disagreement over math versus magic, practicality versus romance-- it's continued into everything about their lives. Zarna still considers herself the pragmatic one in the family, Shalabh more of the dreamer. And now that they're parents, it means they're giving their kids competing advice.
Zarna Garg
He will tell my kids, oh, you should go fall in love. No, don't fall in love. This is what has caused all the problems in the world-- everybody falling in love. So, yes, he is the romantic, and it's like, I can't stop it. And I have to work around it with my kids, and remind them that their dad is wrong, entirely wrong. And our life is proof that I'm right.
Shalabh
Well, and I could also say our life is proof that my romanticism has provided me with a very great career, a great family, good health, kids that are healthy. So what's wrong with that?
Zarna Garg
I mean, you see why he's a problem? What's wrong with that is actually, my deep thinking and planning is what made all of that happen. It's not your romantic thinking. Am I right, Tobin?
[LAUGHTER]
Tobin Low
I mean--
Shalabh
I don't think he can take sides like that.
Tobin Low
I am scared to take sides here.
Zarna Garg
If Ira was here, he would agree with me.
Tobin Low
I don't know that I can authoritatively say who has it right here. But watching them each dig in their heels on their own point of view, it seems like together they balance each other out. And I imagine they force each other to see the world a little differently. Or, if not, at least they can argue about it.
Coming up-- a case for magic from the luckiest and maybe most unrelatable among us-- those jerks-- sorry, people-- who fell in love at first sight. That's in a minute from Chicago Public Radio when our program continues.